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Humor in the Bathroom: Good, Clean Fun!

Excerpt: Atomic Medium

Or, Rachel Takes a Shower

by G G Collins          (Copyright 2016)

Chapter 11

Available at Amazon

Available at Amazon

After a short drive to Chloe’s much more upscale neighborhood, Rachel parked in front of the garage and walked to the back door. At first she knocked tentatively, but panic flooded her body and she began pounding.

“Chloe! Chloe, are you home?”

“Is that you Rachel?” Chloe asked from inside.

“Of course it’s me. Who else would be screaming out here holding a cat?”

“Come in.” Chloe opened the door. “I’d ask if you are alright, but I can see you’re half-crazed. Sit down, let the pretty girl out and I’ll get her some food and water.” Chloe opened the fridge, took out a new bottle of Evian and poured it into Chile Pod’s bowl—which she had bought just for her—followed by some expensive gourmet cat food.

“I told you not to give her that,” Rachel protested knowing it was futile. “I can’t afford to feed it to her regularly.”

“That’s okay,” Chloe said petting Chile’s head as she lapped up the pricey treat. “She deserves to be spoiled when she visits Auntie Chloe.

“Now, the baby is taken care of, what happened to you?”

Rachel related the incident she experienced minutes ago. From Chile’s first alarm, to Kiyiya’s warning howl, to the frightening man who appeared and threatened her; it all spilled it out.

Chloe was thoughtful for a moment.

“Rachel, there’s one thing I didn’t understand. What was on the pin or cuff link he was wearing? You said it reminded you of something. What was it?”

She went back to the confrontation and searched her mind for what she wanted. When she found it, she wanted to forget it.Manhattan Proj Nazi Swastika

“Chloe, it was a swastika!”

“What’s going on?” she asked. “Wait a minute. Remember you said when the two men went through the fluid curtain the room looked older; the big black phone, the vintage clothing?”

“Yes, but what are you getting at?”

“Don’t you see Rachel, it sounds like you’re saying he’s from that era you saw through the stargate.”

“I didn’t say that at all.”

“Yes, I’m afraid that’s exactly what you are saying. If this man belongs in the 1940s, then that room must belong there too.”

“But that could make him a, uh, Nazi?” Rachel didn’t want to deal with that. It was too grim to even consider. She ran her hands through her brown hair pushing the natural waves out of her face.

“It would make him a Nazi,” Chloe echoed. “I’m going to make us hot toddies.”

“I don’t think that will solve anything,” Rachel said hoping she could put off accepting this hypothesis.

“No, it won’t, but maybe it will be less frightening through a nice fuzzy haze.”

“But why would a Nazi from the 1940s materialize here and now?”

“That’s what we need to figure out.” Chloe warmed some water, this time a bottled water called Saint-Géron which her parents shipped her from Paris. They told her the mineral mix was better for women. Rachel didn’t know about that, but it was about $35 a bottle. When hot, she poured it into mugs, added some A. H. Hirsch and squeezed in some fresh lemon juice. Rachel blanched. The amount she paid for the bourbon would make a down payment on the new garage.

“Here you go, get comfy and let’s see what we know.” Chloe set a cup in front of Rachel.

Rachel pushed back into the banco that made a “U” around the kitchen table. The structure was stucco with the traditional rounded walls and a high back. Chloe had added long plush flame-stitched cushions in southwest colors on the seat and back. It was comfy and felt tucked away. A flat screen hung overhead and beautiful native pottery added a decorative, earthy touch to the shelves on the wall.

The friends sipped in companionable silence for a few minutes.

“He told you to stay out of their way,” Chloe said thoughtfully. “Who do you suppose they are and how could you possibly get in their way? In the way of what?”

“I don’t know. I’m writing a story on The Manhattan Project, but that’s as close as I get to WWII and Nazis,” Rachel said. “That was 70 years ago for god’s sake. I’ve no idea if that’s the connection or if there is a connection.

“There is something else,” Rachel said. “It could be significant.”

“And that is?”

Rainbow Man, Former Location of the Manhattan Project Office

Rainbow Man, Former Location of the Manhattan Project Office

“The Manhattan Project Santa Fe office was located in that building now occupied by Rainbow Man.”

“Oh my god,” Chloe sputtered. “How could I have forgotten that!”

“As soon as the word Nazi came up I remembered,” Rachel said. “I’ve been trying to consider other possibilities, but not coming up with any.”

“That’s because there aren’t any,” Chloe said definitively.

“But I still don’t know what it means. Okay, let’s say the big, scary guy is a Nazi and he kind of disappeared inside Rainbow Man, the former Manhattan Project office. So what? What does it have to do with the time of day or the price of gasoline?”

“And why is he threatening you and defacing your office?”

“We don’t know with certainty who graffitied the office. So we really don’t have anything?” Rachel said.

“Oh, we have something, we just don’t know what,” Chloe said stifling a yawn.

“Yeah, time for bed,” Rachel caught the yawn. She finished her toddy and rinsed out the cup.

“Night,” Chloe said. “And don’t worry; the alarm is set, the doors are locked.”

Rachel walked down the hall to the guest bedrooms. She and Chile Pod had a dedicated room of their own. When she entered, there was Chile curled up and fast asleep encircled by pillows. She knew there would be more Evian and luxury cat food in the bathroom, along with an automated litter box. There were toys scattered about and she could see that Chile had already picked out a soft, leopard print ball of fabric. It was lying on the bed next to her. Rachel sighed. Auntie Chloe could make almost any bad day better.

On the bedside table Rachel found her favorite chocolate in a Nambe silver dish. There was a small fridge in the dressing room which she knew would hold bottled water, juices, fruit and power bars. Chloe did her best to keep her healthy despite Rachel’s penchant for green chile cheese burritos. And there was a variety of teas on the counter next to the microwave and a small table cupboard that held cups, glasses, plates, napkins and some stevia. Chloe was trying to get her off sugar too. Even she had to admit that staying with Auntie Chloe was like living on Easy Street.

Chloe had thought of everything. There was a computer and printer/copier/fax on the desk should Rachel need them. A TV and stereo in the sitting area completed the suite’s accessories.

The only thing that bothered her was where in the hell to put all those pillows! Rachel took the larger ones and filled the two chairs, and then arranged the medium-sized ones on the desk until the top was covered. She left a couple of small ones around Chile, as if she could fall off, and began flipping the smallest ones across the room. This activity shortly lost its amusement factor.

She trudged into the bathroom where she came face to face with a new shower. Rachel stopped in her tracks, and evaluated the addition.

It had been installed since her last stay over. She had to admit it was beautiful; glass with wood panels covering the floor. Rachel stripped, placed a cushy bath mat on the floor and stepped inside the enclosure. After failing to find the usual knobs and levers that one used to perform a rather simple task like a shower, she saw there was a control panel.

“Oh no,” she grumbled. “I see Chloe is competing with NASA again.”

Staring at the array of options, she could see tiny pictures. Apparently one had to punch one to get water flowing. However there were also 20 of them—she counted—jets in the front and back of the stall. To further confuse the issue, there was a handheld shower head. She thought this to be the most straightforward way to get clean.

The panel also touted a radio, steam, aromatherapy and something called chromatherapy lighting. “Geez,” Rachel looked at the waterless shower head in her hand. “I just want some fucking water to come out of this thing.” She shook the nozzle. Nothing. She was getting cold.

Consulting the controls again she saw an image that might be water spraying and pushed it. Nothing at first. After a few seconds, steam began filling the stall.

“No, no, no!” She touched it again and tried another. Instantly, she was engulfed in loud music. Electric guitars screeched; drums pounded so hard she could feel the shock waves against her chest. She turned it off. “Dammit! The guy who installed this must have been a sadist!

“Something must turn on the water.” She puzzled over the panel again and chose another icon. Nothing happened. She sniffed. Fragrance was being released from some secret source. She took another whiff. Yes, that was definitely sandalwood. “Ugh, that’s the most suffocating odor.”

By Doug Coldwell (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons

By Doug Coldwell (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

“One more time for the team.” She poked another symbol. Suddenly she was deluged with water from overhead. “Oh crap, I didn’t want to get my hair wet,” she moaned. Too late to worry about that now. The tropical rain feature was a real drencher.

Now that she had water it was time to soap up. Luckily, she found a low-tech bar of soap on the built-in shelf. Once the paper covering was off she noticed the strobing effect. Somewhere lights were flashing. All she needed to make this experience complete was disco music.

Rachel looked up and saw the water falling from above was constantly changing color. “Well how do I stop that?”

Please select a color. She was prompted by a voice coming from the entrails of the control panel. Her fingers pressed more buttons. The jets came on full force hitting her body front and back.

Please select a color.

“Holy shit, I don’t want any color.”

Rachel began banging on the panel. If it had been a person, they would have called 9-1-1 to press charges.

Please select a color.

By now, she had soaped most of her body if you didn’t include her back or feet, but if you counted the pulverizing her back had taken, it had probably blasted off even the smallest microorganisms. In her frustration, she had managed to bash her elbows while thrashing around. There would be bruises.

Please select a color.

Was there no “Off” button? Apparently not.

Rachel tried to ignore the infuriating voice and rinsed off. Certainly she had enough water gushing at her from all directions to accomplish that.

Please select a color.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake!” She finally found the right button to turn off the water and the annoying voice stopped. Oddly, no water had ever come from the shower head she originally wanted to use, the one lying on the floor where she dropped it in frustration.

“Well, that was relaxing.” She opened the door and there sat Chile Pod, eyes big as saucers, ears cocked forward looking at Rachel as though she had completely lost her mind. Could a cat look flabbergasted? Yes, this one definitely did.

“Okay, so I didn’t do such a hot job of working the damn thing. So what? I’m mostly clean.” Chile Pod decided her person must be okay and headed back to her warm spot on the bed.

Rachel pulled a towel off the warmer and dried with Egyptian cotton so thick the water beads didn’t penetrate to the other side.

With the stink of sandalwood following her into the dressing room, she thought a tea, having finished her evening ablutions, would be just the thing to relax her. Once ensconced cross-legged on the bed, she opened her notebook with Emma Perkins’ interview. The envelope with the photos fell onto the bedding. She picked them up and absently thumbed through them. And then her heart nearly lodged in her throat.

There was the man; Mister Tall, Blonde and Scary!

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Murder U.S.A. Anthology Coming Soon

A Crime Fiction Tour of the Nation

Reported by G G Collins

Coming Soon

Coming Soon

 

Welcome to a country of mystery, mayhem and murder. Thirty-one mystery writers from all over the US joined forces to wreak havoc. It’s a virtual mystery candy store with everything from Cozy to Procedural to Paranormal. North, south, east or west; we’ve got you covered. No region was spared from the grip of terror.

And the really big news? It will be FREE! Free to try new, known and emerging authors. Edited by Kristen Elise, PhD.

More clues are forthcoming.

From Murder Lab: http://www.murderlab.com/

Lemurian Medium Released

Rachel Blackstone’s Second Adventure Begins in “Lemurian Medium”

Lemurian Medium Copyright G G Collins

Lemurian Medium
Copyright G G Collins

When a friend vanishes into a painting at a posh Santa Fe gallery, reporter Rachel Blackstone travels the astral plane in search of her. But first she must meet her most frightening nemesis and defend herself on the Terror of the Threshold. Will it be the Mesoamerican deity who enjoys human snacks or the evil spirit she crossed paths with before? What she doesn’t expect is to land in an ancient civilization intent on keeping her—and her unproven powers. Part of this territory is inhabited by gentle people, flora and fauna that communicate telepathically. But the other residents are decidedly ruthless.

Legend says the lost continent of Lemuria sank eons ago. Rachel’s visit must be brief or she could be caught up in the cataclysm. She employs crystal power to help her communicate with friend Chloe back home in New Mexico and to defend herself from cosmological attacks.

In Santa Fe, Chloe and soul navigator F Dominic Magellan search frantically for the body of their friend in its altered state. They must return it to the art gallery so she can reclaim it. That proves difficult when they run across someone, or something, who will do anything to stop them.

Meanwhile back on the astral plane, Rachel is dodging Dracs and learning to ride a dragon by the seat of her pants. She has to multitask, coping with earthquakes and volcanoes as the end of the long-lost culture is set in motion, all while staging the rescue of her friend. Catching the red-eye home to the 21st century could prove difficult as she desperately looks for a way to escape a violent reptilian society. They must find and reattach Rachel’s silver cord or they cannot return.

Can Rachel become a successful astral-naut? Or will she be forever lost in the cosmos?

Extras: Christmas Eve Canyon Road Farolito Walk, a ghost hunting assignment.

Contains: mild horror effects, profanity, humor.

For more information:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HE18XES

Building a Book, Part I

Aah, the Easy Life of a Writer

by G G Collins

Without an idea, there can’t be a book. When I began writing Reluctant Medium, I had an idea. I asked the question: What if someone performed a ceremony to return the dead and the wrong person returned? From there, I created the character who would do this and began the journey to find out.

Writing Keyboard
Public Domain

Fortunately, I never have a problem coming up with ideas. I won’t live long enough to write everything I want. But if you have trouble coming up with ideas, think about what you enjoy reading. Do you read fiction or nonfiction? What interests you: popular fiction, genre or literary? If you prefer nonfiction, do you enjoy biographies, how-to, spirituality, animal stories? There’s that old adage; write what you know. But you can also write what you can research. It can be a learning process for the writer too. Do you think you would enjoy research and conducting interviews? Once you know what to write about, it’s time to just do it.

Butt in the chair time. A few words about outlines; an  individual process. Some writers love putting together a long, complicated outline. They write pages about each character, the scenes, background, on and on. But you can also make an outline that has some short paragraphs describing where you want to go with the story. Start a synopsis, fill in the blanks later and choose your character names. I prefer the latter approach. It fits my personality better. There’s no wrong path.

Once you done your research, the interviews and your outline, you’re ready to write. Decide when you have the best opportunity of some unencumbered time. Are you a morning person or a night owl? When is your energy the highest? A lot of writers have a fulltime job in addition to their writing. That doesn’t mean you can’t cull out two or three hours a day to write. Consistently writing is the key to success.

Mobile Workspace
Copyright G G Collins

Simply stated, it’s a matter of being in that chair, hands on keyboard tapping out words. I don’t believe in writers’ block. Sure it’s difficult to begin, but start. If you don’t know how you want to open the book, then write the parts you have a better feel for. Some of us write description better, others are dialog demons. Our words are not sacred. They can be changed, probably will be changed during editing and polishing sessions. It might be helpful to join a writing group and do readings with others. Sometimes having a place to read your writing can help you get started and gain confidence. Do whatever it takes.

My words, my words! The first edit will likely be yours to do; maybe even the second and third. Eventually, you’ll likely need a professional to go through your manuscript. In my years working for a book publisher, there was only one author who could edit herself. She was terrific. The problem with self-editing: we know what we meant to say and we miss errors. And, that’s why newspapers have editors. The faster you have to turn in work, the more you need an editor. Keep a Chicago Manual of Style on hand for trips through your work.

Chicago Manual of
Style for Editing

Traditional route or self-publishing? It can take months or years or never, to haul in a traditional publisher or find a literary agent who will agree to represent your work. More and more, the traditional route is strewn with difficulties. Publishers or agents may not be accepting new clients or they aren’t accepting first-time authors. Sometimes they agree to look at your book and months go by without a reply. Your manuscript may be in a tall stack taking up space with other hopefuls, or the editor or agent just never gets around to sampling it. It can get pretty discouraging, but you can also come out a published book author. The easy answer? Try it and see what happens.

But if you prefer not to wait, self-publishing can be your answer. Two places are well-known for their support of the self-published author: Amazon and Smashwords. You do all the work, so get ready, but these are probably the fastest routes to a pub date. I decided to go with an eBook, but you can publish in paper at several places including Amazon.

DIY Formatting or Freelance Formatter?  You will have to submit your book in a required format. If your computer skills aren’t up to it or you don’t have the time, there are formatters who can do the work for you. Smashwords has a listing of such formatter angels. Send an e-mail to list@smashwords.com for author and founder Mark Coker‘s list.

Amazon’s Kindle
GNU FDL
NotFromUtrecht

You will also need a book cover. I created my own and you can do this, particularly if you have an art background. If you don’t feel up to this, Smashwords also has a group of people who design book covers.

You can also read about how I created my cover. Just look under the “Publishing” category in the sidebar of the Reluctant Medium at Large to locate it.

Once you have your book in the correct format, it’s a matter of following the directions and answering a few questions. Soon you will find yourself at the “Publish” button. Take a deep breath and click.

In Part Two of Building a BookI’ll cover marketing and promotions and moving on the next book.

— G G Collins

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Reluctant Medium Now Available On Smashwords

Reluctant Medium Now @ Smashwords.com

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/248836

Reluctant Medium has made another step in the eBook marketing world. With its publication on Smashwords it will soon be carried by Barnes & Noble, Baker & Taylor, kobo and others. This means it can be downloaded not just to Kindle but to the Nook, Sony Readers, iPads, Smart Phones and other e-reading devices.

Thanks for your support and friendship.

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